Way Closing Behind (Part I)

In Parker Palmer's Let Your Life Speak he tells of his experience in a Quaker retreat as he seeks his calling from God. After many years of "way" not opening before him, he consults a wise, older person in the community who says that in all of her years she also has never experienced "way" opening before her, but that she has experienced plenty of "way" closing behind her. And this closing helped her to discern God's calling - a sort of via negativa of vocation. Springing from this insight I thought it would be instructive to work through some of my "way closing behind" moments not only for folks to get to know me better, but for my own clarity as I continue to wait for way to open before me as well.

Throughout high school I was a member of our campus computer club. I honestly cannot remember why I attended the first meeting. Maybe it was my fascination with early computer gaming (pre-Atari 2600) and electronic gadgets in general. But I soon found myself part of this small cadre of students known as the Computer Club. When time came to narrow my focus in preparation for college applications, my experience in computing and seeming success in science and math motivated me to apply to programs in the sciences. I was particularly compelled by the world of theoretical physics. At the time quark theory was the rage and I read much about supercollider installations that promised to open new horizons for theoretical physicists in the area of cosmic origins - a particular fascination of mine. So off the college applications went: Worcester Polytechnic Institute, California Lutheran University, and, eventually, Pepperdine University. I don't think I ever completed my application to WPI. I was not courageous enough at 17 to consider moving cross-country. CLU had a small theoretical physics program, and was close to home. I was accepted there, but eventually (before the beginning of my first semester of college) ended up at Pepperdine University in Math/Computer Science.

My experience in Math/Computer Science was not what I anticipated. I skated through my first semester of Calculus because we used the same textbook I worked through almost purely independently in high school. My second semester of Calculus, however, pinned me against a wall. One of my friends in the class and I challenged each other to see who would have the highest grade in the course. Needless to say, he won that battle. For some reason, I could not "see" what our textbook or my professor was talking about in the course. The logical relationships did not make sense and I simply didn't "get" it. Visits with my professor (ah, the blessing of Pepperdine) did not yield any better results. I had a similar experience in my first computer science course. The course focused on basic concepts in computing and learning Pascal. As the semester marched on during that Spring of 1989 the tasks in computer science became harder and, much like calculus, I was seemingly unable to see how to move forward. I ended up with a less than desirable grade in that course because I never finished the final database project. Much like Calculus, I simply couldn't see the logic of the language or the project and, as a result, I did not find the success at Pepperdine with computer science that I found in high school and in my own explorations.

Behind the scenes there was quite a bit of first-time-away-from-home-standard-first-year-college adjusting going on in my life. I chose to attend a university close to home because of a girl and traveled the hour home every weekend to spend time with her. Having one foot at Pepperdine and one foot at home did not help me to keep my proverbial head in the college game. I crammed to complete my studies so that I could spend as much time back home as possible, sometimes leaving as early as Thursday afternoon to return very early Monday morning for classes. I remain certain that this lack of commitment to my education early on had considerable impact on my ability to excel in my Pepperdine classes. This situation changed during the second semester of my work at Pepperdine. It seems that once I ended the relationship, I did not have as many reasons to rush home every weekend. However, even the increased dedication down the stretch of the Spring semester did not change the results I saw in the classroom.

So, way closed behind me. I moved away from Math/Computer Science because I could not see what others around me readily saw (evidenced by my grades) and I searched for another direction in my undergraduate work. To this day (literally) I am very good at theorizing about the possibilities of computer applications that require programming, but when it comes to the shifting variables, routines, and sub-routines of programming I am at a loss. I can read a computer program and get the gist of it because of my exposure to Pascal and other languages, but I am not the person you want programming your systems.

Accepting this limit has been quite a struggle. I have a knack for computing technology and I continue to find myself drawn to technology-oriented enterprises. For instance, during my graduate work at Pepperdine I was drawn by the power of the World Wide Web as it emerged. I dedicated time and energy to learn HTML and to do the requisite work with imaging programs to produce some of the first websites on the Internet. Second, during my PhD work at Baylor I was drawn into a job with Student Technology Services and poured more of my heart and soul into that work than I did my own doctoral program. And, more recently, in my work with Pepperdine University's Office of Student Information and Services, I moved quickly into the role of "tech boy," as one of my co-workers called me. Even now I find myself breaking against the same limits. I work at Baylor University in Student Technology and feel the limits of what I can accomplish in this role. I am very good at theorizing possibilities, but when it comes down to carrying those creative ventures using the real tools of computing technology in the details of programming and networking I find myself at a loss of both ability and interest. I remain enamored by the idea of the technological vision being realized, but do not enjoy the nuts and bolts processes required to get from point A to point B.

So, I am not a programme but remain enamored with something about computing technology that continues to draw me back. I don't know yet how this opens out into "way" opening before me, but I find some clarity in way closing behind.